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Title: Another Day (Chapter Eleven)
Author: Mara
Rating: R
Warnings: Language. Discussion of Suicide and Depression. AU. Spoilers for Seasons 1 to 3, especially the Season 3 finale. Possibly sex and violence in later chapters.
Summary: Ryan tries to move on with his life, but it's not always easy. Good thing he still has the Cohens and Summer to help him.
Chapter Eleven
Two days later, spent without any face to face contact and only two short calls, the Cohens and Summer arrived at Woodland for a therapy session with Ryan about what had happened the previous year. Emily met them in the lobby, an uneasy look on her face. "It's good that you're all here," she said as she led them upstairs to the patient level.
"What's wrong?" Sandy asked.
"Ryan's... he's not having a good day," Emily replied. "He's on edge, and snapping at people, and he flat out refused to join a group session today... Yesterday he was okay, he went to group and he talked, and he listened, but today..."
"Today's a year since he tried to kill himself," Summer said, tugging the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands. "Of course he's on edge."
"It's more than that," Emily said as they stepped onto the ward and heard Ryan yelling. "Damn it," she said as they all sped up.
In Ryan's room, they found him arguing with Dr. Harrison, his arms wrapped tightly around his middle and his face abnormally pale. "I'm taking a god damn sedative!"
"Ryan, if Dr. Harrison thinks..." Sandy began, stepping into the room.
"Oh, so all of sudden, when it comes to doping me up, you're ready to agree with the doctor instead of question him?" Ryan snapped. "I guess I am easier to deal with that way," he added, turning and going to the window. He rested his hands on the windowsill, slight tremors running through his body.
"He didn't mean it like that and you know it, Ryan," Summer said gently. "But you're yelling and you don't yell unless it's major. So what's going on?"
"You mean besides me being in a mental hospital?" Ryan replied, turning to look at her.
"Well, yeah," Summer said. "Because there is way more funny about that than there is angry. I mean, come on, you're in the mental hospital, and Cohen is running free?"
"Hey!" Seth protested.
"I mean seriously, between the comic book obsession and the babbling?" Summer said, smiling as she caught the way Ryan's lips twitched upwards. "And let's not even start on the plastic horse. Which he talks to. Like it's going to talk back."
"You still have a my little pony in your dorm room!" Seth said.
"Girls are allowed, with guys it's freaky," Summer countered, smiling again as Ryan actually snickered. "See, more funny stuff than angry stuff, Chino. So stop being the angry guy, it's so not a good look on you."
Ryan took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay," he said quietly.
"See, no need for a sedative, you just needed me to insult Seth," Summer told Dr. Harrison as she brushed past him and Sandy to sit crosslegged on Ryan's bed. "So, besides you stealing my bit and having a rage blackout, what's up, Chino?"
"That girl..." Dr. Harrison began.
"Welcome to my world," Seth said.
Once the Cohens were all in the room, Dr. Harrison closed the door. "Well, are you more in the mood to talk now, Ryan?"
"I guess," Ryan replied, sitting against the edge of the windowsill and staring at the floor.
"I thought we'd start by talking about last year, and what happened," Dr. Harrison began.
"I tried to kill myself by swallowing pills," Ryan said tensely. "What's there to talk about?"
"We've never discussed what your trigger was that day," Dr. Harrison replied.
"I don't know what it was."
"I don't believe that."
Ryan shook his head, still staring at the ground. "I just... I wanted it all to just stop, and I saw the pills, and Marissa kept talking at me, and... I just felt like there was no reason not to."
"But why? You were alive and physically doing much better. You had your family..."
"I had one brother on the run from the police, and the other about to leave and move to the other side of the country!" Ryan protested.
"You kept telling me to go," Seth said.
"I know, and I wanted you to because it was best for you. But it didn't change the fact that you weren't going to be here," Ryan said. "And fine, let's move on to the fact that my own mother was more upset about the god damn truck than she was about me? Hell, let's even mention that she still cares more about the goddamn truck! Or the fact that that I was sinking, I was in hell, and no one noticed, no one saw that I was dying inside, they were all too busy accepting it when I said I was fine."
"We didn't want to..." Kirsten began.
"It doesn't matter what you meant, what matters is how I perceived it, and I perceived it that you couldn't be bothered to see what was going on," Ryan said. "I know that you guys love me, but that doesn't change the fact that at the time I was in hell, I felt like I was being pulled down and pushed down, and no one noticed. I was seeing Marissa all the time, I was talking back to her, and no one noticed!"
"We made a very big mistake," Kirsten said. "And we're so sorry."
"I'm not..." Ryan began. "I'm not mad at any of you. I wasn't even mad then. I just..." He ran his hands through his hair. "This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it," he said to Dr. Harrison. "Because they're going to feel guilty, and then I'm gonna feel shitty for making them feel guilty, and then I'm gonna get pissed off again because I *told* you I didn't want to talk about it."
Dr. Harrison nodded. "Okay, so, let's try something else."
"Anything," Ryan said.
"What brought you back?"
"What?"
"You were catatonic, no response at all, for a month, then all of a sudden you spoke. Why?"
"I told you..."
"No, you told me that you were responding to Marissa, but when Kirsten reacted you spoke to her instead," Dr. Harrison said. "What made you suddenly respond vocally to Marissa?"
Ryan sighed and looked away, out the window, as he responded. "She wanted me to go with her," he finally said. "She'd been moving closer, and then she... she reached out her hand and asked me to take it and come with her."
"I know that. But why did you..."
"Because I almost did," Ryan said in a tight voice. "I was lifting my fucking hand."
"Why'd you change your mind?" Seth asked.
"Kirsten."
"What about her?" Dr. Harrison pressed.
"She asked me not to leave," Ryan said. "And she was staring at the ceiling and begging me to come back and saying we'd fix it..."
"But what was it about that time? Why not all the other times over the course of that month?"
Ryan shook his head. "I don't know..."
"I don't believe that."
"I didn't even recognize anybody at first!" Ryan said, turning back to face the room. "Everything was just... blurry and noisy, and it didn't make sense... and then it started to come back but I didn't... I didn't know what... I just don't know, okay!"
"Ryan, honey, it's okay," Kirsten said, walking over and reaching out to him only to have him yank away.
"No, it's not!" Ryan said. "I lifted my hand, I was gonna just give up..."
"But you didn't," Sandy said.
"And I don't even know why I didn't!" Ryan protested. "I don't understand it. And I don't understand why Seth gave up RISD to stay in Newport, because it sure as hell wasn't to spend more time with me since he is never at the house, he never asks me to hang out, and when I try he screws it up by not being able to keep his damn mouth shut about the one topic that I don't wanna hear him spouting off about! And I don't understand why Summer would give up Brown to stay, because all it's done is give her more work because she's always trying to keep an eye on me and protect me..."
"It's not work to have coffee with my best friend everyday," Summer said gently.
"How can she call the guy who let me die her best friend?" Marissa asked, looking hurt as she leaned against the wall beside Ryan. "I was her best friend until you let me die, Ryan. I guess that's something else, besides my life, that you took from me."
Ryan let out a quiet whimper and sank down to sit on the floor, his head resting on his folded arms. "Please stop," he whispered.
"I think this is all we're going to be able to do today," Dr. Harrison said.
"But we just got here..." Sandy protested.
"Ryan's still dealing with the fact that he's not taking the antipsychotics anymore," Dr. Harrison explained. "It's hard on him, mentally and physically."
"He means I'm not keeping down much food," Ryan mumbled.
Kirsten went to Ryan's side and pulled him into her arms, not letting him pull away. "We're not going anywhere yet," she said, holding him close. "We are not leaving you until you're ready for us to go."
"No wonder you guys are family," Marissa said, leaning close to whisper in his ear. "No one leaves when they should."
"I wish you'd leave," he said coldly, lifting his head and looking over at Marissa, who just rolled her eyes and moved to sit on the bedside table.
"She will," Kirsten said, stroking Ryan's hair gently and trying not too hold to tight as he turned and rested his head against her shoulder. "She will go away. I know she will."
To Be Continued...
Author: Mara
Rating: R
Warnings: Language. Discussion of Suicide and Depression. AU. Spoilers for Seasons 1 to 3, especially the Season 3 finale. Possibly sex and violence in later chapters.
Summary: Ryan tries to move on with his life, but it's not always easy. Good thing he still has the Cohens and Summer to help him.
Chapter Eleven
Two days later, spent without any face to face contact and only two short calls, the Cohens and Summer arrived at Woodland for a therapy session with Ryan about what had happened the previous year. Emily met them in the lobby, an uneasy look on her face. "It's good that you're all here," she said as she led them upstairs to the patient level.
"What's wrong?" Sandy asked.
"Ryan's... he's not having a good day," Emily replied. "He's on edge, and snapping at people, and he flat out refused to join a group session today... Yesterday he was okay, he went to group and he talked, and he listened, but today..."
"Today's a year since he tried to kill himself," Summer said, tugging the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands. "Of course he's on edge."
"It's more than that," Emily said as they stepped onto the ward and heard Ryan yelling. "Damn it," she said as they all sped up.
In Ryan's room, they found him arguing with Dr. Harrison, his arms wrapped tightly around his middle and his face abnormally pale. "I'm taking a god damn sedative!"
"Ryan, if Dr. Harrison thinks..." Sandy began, stepping into the room.
"Oh, so all of sudden, when it comes to doping me up, you're ready to agree with the doctor instead of question him?" Ryan snapped. "I guess I am easier to deal with that way," he added, turning and going to the window. He rested his hands on the windowsill, slight tremors running through his body.
"He didn't mean it like that and you know it, Ryan," Summer said gently. "But you're yelling and you don't yell unless it's major. So what's going on?"
"You mean besides me being in a mental hospital?" Ryan replied, turning to look at her.
"Well, yeah," Summer said. "Because there is way more funny about that than there is angry. I mean, come on, you're in the mental hospital, and Cohen is running free?"
"Hey!" Seth protested.
"I mean seriously, between the comic book obsession and the babbling?" Summer said, smiling as she caught the way Ryan's lips twitched upwards. "And let's not even start on the plastic horse. Which he talks to. Like it's going to talk back."
"You still have a my little pony in your dorm room!" Seth said.
"Girls are allowed, with guys it's freaky," Summer countered, smiling again as Ryan actually snickered. "See, more funny stuff than angry stuff, Chino. So stop being the angry guy, it's so not a good look on you."
Ryan took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay," he said quietly.
"See, no need for a sedative, you just needed me to insult Seth," Summer told Dr. Harrison as she brushed past him and Sandy to sit crosslegged on Ryan's bed. "So, besides you stealing my bit and having a rage blackout, what's up, Chino?"
"That girl..." Dr. Harrison began.
"Welcome to my world," Seth said.
Once the Cohens were all in the room, Dr. Harrison closed the door. "Well, are you more in the mood to talk now, Ryan?"
"I guess," Ryan replied, sitting against the edge of the windowsill and staring at the floor.
"I thought we'd start by talking about last year, and what happened," Dr. Harrison began.
"I tried to kill myself by swallowing pills," Ryan said tensely. "What's there to talk about?"
"We've never discussed what your trigger was that day," Dr. Harrison replied.
"I don't know what it was."
"I don't believe that."
Ryan shook his head, still staring at the ground. "I just... I wanted it all to just stop, and I saw the pills, and Marissa kept talking at me, and... I just felt like there was no reason not to."
"But why? You were alive and physically doing much better. You had your family..."
"I had one brother on the run from the police, and the other about to leave and move to the other side of the country!" Ryan protested.
"You kept telling me to go," Seth said.
"I know, and I wanted you to because it was best for you. But it didn't change the fact that you weren't going to be here," Ryan said. "And fine, let's move on to the fact that my own mother was more upset about the god damn truck than she was about me? Hell, let's even mention that she still cares more about the goddamn truck! Or the fact that that I was sinking, I was in hell, and no one noticed, no one saw that I was dying inside, they were all too busy accepting it when I said I was fine."
"We didn't want to..." Kirsten began.
"It doesn't matter what you meant, what matters is how I perceived it, and I perceived it that you couldn't be bothered to see what was going on," Ryan said. "I know that you guys love me, but that doesn't change the fact that at the time I was in hell, I felt like I was being pulled down and pushed down, and no one noticed. I was seeing Marissa all the time, I was talking back to her, and no one noticed!"
"We made a very big mistake," Kirsten said. "And we're so sorry."
"I'm not..." Ryan began. "I'm not mad at any of you. I wasn't even mad then. I just..." He ran his hands through his hair. "This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about it," he said to Dr. Harrison. "Because they're going to feel guilty, and then I'm gonna feel shitty for making them feel guilty, and then I'm gonna get pissed off again because I *told* you I didn't want to talk about it."
Dr. Harrison nodded. "Okay, so, let's try something else."
"Anything," Ryan said.
"What brought you back?"
"What?"
"You were catatonic, no response at all, for a month, then all of a sudden you spoke. Why?"
"I told you..."
"No, you told me that you were responding to Marissa, but when Kirsten reacted you spoke to her instead," Dr. Harrison said. "What made you suddenly respond vocally to Marissa?"
Ryan sighed and looked away, out the window, as he responded. "She wanted me to go with her," he finally said. "She'd been moving closer, and then she... she reached out her hand and asked me to take it and come with her."
"I know that. But why did you..."
"Because I almost did," Ryan said in a tight voice. "I was lifting my fucking hand."
"Why'd you change your mind?" Seth asked.
"Kirsten."
"What about her?" Dr. Harrison pressed.
"She asked me not to leave," Ryan said. "And she was staring at the ceiling and begging me to come back and saying we'd fix it..."
"But what was it about that time? Why not all the other times over the course of that month?"
Ryan shook his head. "I don't know..."
"I don't believe that."
"I didn't even recognize anybody at first!" Ryan said, turning back to face the room. "Everything was just... blurry and noisy, and it didn't make sense... and then it started to come back but I didn't... I didn't know what... I just don't know, okay!"
"Ryan, honey, it's okay," Kirsten said, walking over and reaching out to him only to have him yank away.
"No, it's not!" Ryan said. "I lifted my hand, I was gonna just give up..."
"But you didn't," Sandy said.
"And I don't even know why I didn't!" Ryan protested. "I don't understand it. And I don't understand why Seth gave up RISD to stay in Newport, because it sure as hell wasn't to spend more time with me since he is never at the house, he never asks me to hang out, and when I try he screws it up by not being able to keep his damn mouth shut about the one topic that I don't wanna hear him spouting off about! And I don't understand why Summer would give up Brown to stay, because all it's done is give her more work because she's always trying to keep an eye on me and protect me..."
"It's not work to have coffee with my best friend everyday," Summer said gently.
"How can she call the guy who let me die her best friend?" Marissa asked, looking hurt as she leaned against the wall beside Ryan. "I was her best friend until you let me die, Ryan. I guess that's something else, besides my life, that you took from me."
Ryan let out a quiet whimper and sank down to sit on the floor, his head resting on his folded arms. "Please stop," he whispered.
"I think this is all we're going to be able to do today," Dr. Harrison said.
"But we just got here..." Sandy protested.
"Ryan's still dealing with the fact that he's not taking the antipsychotics anymore," Dr. Harrison explained. "It's hard on him, mentally and physically."
"He means I'm not keeping down much food," Ryan mumbled.
Kirsten went to Ryan's side and pulled him into her arms, not letting him pull away. "We're not going anywhere yet," she said, holding him close. "We are not leaving you until you're ready for us to go."
"No wonder you guys are family," Marissa said, leaning close to whisper in his ear. "No one leaves when they should."
"I wish you'd leave," he said coldly, lifting his head and looking over at Marissa, who just rolled her eyes and moved to sit on the bedside table.
"She will," Kirsten said, stroking Ryan's hair gently and trying not too hold to tight as he turned and rested his head against her shoulder. "She will go away. I know she will."
To Be Continued...
