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Title: Clarity (Part 4/4)
Author: Mara
Fandom: The OC
Rating: R
Word Count: 1254
Warnings: Mentions of Suicide Attempts and Suicidal Thoughts.
Summary: Ryan's finding his balance.
Notes: Comes after Numb, Sinking, and Fallen.
Clarity
The doctor tried again to get Sandy and Kirsten to sign papers and put Ryan in a mental hospital because of his mental breakdown, but they refused. They did agree to put him in an outpatient facility for a while, but he would come home with them every night and that made all the difference for all of them. The guest room was redocorated and became Ryan's room, though the knob on both the bedroom door and his bathroom door were changed so they couldn't lock. They weren't willing to take the chance yet, and Ryan understood and was glad they weren't.
Seth was there sometimes, but he was going to Newport College now and making friends and wasn't home for dinner a lot of the time. Summer came by at least once a week and regaled him with stories of life at UCLA, insisting when he apologized for causing her to come back to California that she didn't like the cold in Rhode Island anyway, so UCLA was a much better place for her to be. And she told him that when he was better, she'd seen some amazing buildings around LA and on the UCLA campus that she knew he'd love to see.
Sandy and Kirsten were always there for dinner, though, and they would keep conversation light while they ate, then talk would more seriously afterwards. It was when they got serious that Ryan almost craved their touch, a gentle hand on his back or shoulder or squeezing his hand, something to help him stay on the surface when the weight tried to pull him down.
He went to Woodland, the outpatient facility, every day from 8 in the morning until 5 in the evening, and spent the day in therapy, both alone and with a group. His meds, anti-psychotics now because of his continued hallucinations of Marissa, were adjusted to try and find the right mix to help him and make her go away, but she was still there, watching and listening and glaring coldly because he rejected her.
Marissa was strongest when Ryan was alone, although that didn't happen often and when he confessed that to Kirsten, she and Sandy made sure he was alone even less. When they were with him, Marissa wasn't and he could almost really be normal again. But Marissa showed up at Woodland everyday, and slowly she grew stronger there, even though Ryan tried to do what he needed to do to make her go away. She was quiet at first, but she started talking again after a while, alternating between comdemning him for letting her die and begging him to change his mind and come with her instead of shoving her away.
Ryan pretended he didn't see Marissa, pretended he didn't hear her, because he hated how the meds made him feel and he wanted the doctors to let him stop taking them, since they didn't work anyway. Then came the day Marissa appeared at home while Ryan at dinner with Sandy and Kirsten and he felt sick and threw up and told Kirsten that Marissa was still there and now she was coming even when they were with him and it scared him.
For the next week, either Kirsten or Sandy slept in a chair in Ryan's room, right beside his bed, so they could be there if he needed them, and they didn't seem to care how uncomfortable the chair was, and they told him even more times a day that they loved him and he could do this and Marissa stopped showing up at home. She still showed up at Woodland and she yelled and screamed and raged and begged and pleaded with him, but he didn't respond to her and instead admitted in therapy, both alone and in group, that he was seeing and hearing her but he wasn't listening to what she was saying.
She stopped after a while, and went back to either glaring or sending him pleading looks, and sometimes he wanted to hold his hand out to her and tell her he changed his mind, but he refused to do it because by then he knew what she was. Not really Marissa, no matter how much she seemed like the real Marissa, she was a sign of his illness. Marissa was like the darkness that he'd sunk into before, and it was trying to pull him back. But as he fought to stay afloat, the darkness, Marissa, got weaker and couldn't do as much to pull on him.
Most days now, Ryan felt like he was floating on the surface, with only the slightest downward tug pulling, no worse than the tug of gravity when swimming in the ocean. Every so often there was a bad day where he could feel the darkness pulling, and the weights being piled on, but he learned to admit those bad days were happening and just admitting it lifted some of the weight.
He didn't need Sandy and Kirsten's constant presence as much, and started only going to Woodland a few days a week. By the time the summer approached again, he was down to 2 days, and he was spending time alone without seeing and hearing things and he felt alive again. The pain was still there, and he still had days where he felt the pull and he saw Marissa, but those days came few and far between now and he felt good.
He started thinking about college, though Berkeley was much too far away for him now, and one day while Sandy was at work and Kirsten was on a run to the store, Ryan made calls to schools closer by, and he requested information on courses. That night over dinner he told Kirsten and Sandy what he'd done, and explained that he wanted to try college now, but he wanted to keep living at home with them while he did, and they said they were proud of him and they'd help him look over the information when it arrived.
He applied to UCLA, much to Summer's delight, and anxiously waited to hear back from them. During that time, Marissa started appearing more, but he told Kirsten and Sandy whenever it was one of those days, and if they weren't home he'd call them and just talking to them would calm him enough to help him stay afloat, even if it was only barely at times.
Then one day a letter came from UCLA and Ryan opened it and went down to the beach and stood at the edge of the water in his jeans and wife beater, staring out at the ocean, and again Summer found him.
But this time it was different. When Summer said his name, he turned and smiled and told her to look in the pocket of his sweatshirt that rested safely out of reach of the water. And when she pulled out the folded letter and read and her face lit up excitedly. Then she was kicking off her shoes, and running to Ryan and tackling him into the water, both of them laughing and happy because things were finally looking up.
For the first time in almost two full years, even if it was just for a little while, the weight was gone and there was nothing pulling Ryan down into the darkness. There was only floating and a feeling of being surrounded by the light that had chased away the darkness.
And it felt good.
THE END
Notes:
In my head I have a pretty good idea of what happens next for Ryan, but I don't think I could write it in the same format as these 4 fics have been in. All of these, except for 'Numb', have covered larger periods of time in between 700 and 1500 words, but to give the next phase of Ryan's life the treatment it deserves, it would be a normal format fic, where each chapter covers a small piece of time. This doesn't mean I won't write the continuation, just that it'll be a regular format fic that'll be much longer than 4 chapters because it'll go into more detail of individual events.
If you'd like to see the sequel/continuation, let me know and I'll be quicker about writing it... lol... it'll most likely be written either way, but if I know people wanna read, I'll make sure to post it and keep writing. It may or may not end up with Ryan and Summer romantically involved, as opposed to just friends, I haven't decided for sure yet.
Hope everyone enjoyed this dark little fic...
Author: Mara
Fandom: The OC
Rating: R
Word Count: 1254
Warnings: Mentions of Suicide Attempts and Suicidal Thoughts.
Summary: Ryan's finding his balance.
Notes: Comes after Numb, Sinking, and Fallen.
Clarity
The doctor tried again to get Sandy and Kirsten to sign papers and put Ryan in a mental hospital because of his mental breakdown, but they refused. They did agree to put him in an outpatient facility for a while, but he would come home with them every night and that made all the difference for all of them. The guest room was redocorated and became Ryan's room, though the knob on both the bedroom door and his bathroom door were changed so they couldn't lock. They weren't willing to take the chance yet, and Ryan understood and was glad they weren't.
Seth was there sometimes, but he was going to Newport College now and making friends and wasn't home for dinner a lot of the time. Summer came by at least once a week and regaled him with stories of life at UCLA, insisting when he apologized for causing her to come back to California that she didn't like the cold in Rhode Island anyway, so UCLA was a much better place for her to be. And she told him that when he was better, she'd seen some amazing buildings around LA and on the UCLA campus that she knew he'd love to see.
Sandy and Kirsten were always there for dinner, though, and they would keep conversation light while they ate, then talk would more seriously afterwards. It was when they got serious that Ryan almost craved their touch, a gentle hand on his back or shoulder or squeezing his hand, something to help him stay on the surface when the weight tried to pull him down.
He went to Woodland, the outpatient facility, every day from 8 in the morning until 5 in the evening, and spent the day in therapy, both alone and with a group. His meds, anti-psychotics now because of his continued hallucinations of Marissa, were adjusted to try and find the right mix to help him and make her go away, but she was still there, watching and listening and glaring coldly because he rejected her.
Marissa was strongest when Ryan was alone, although that didn't happen often and when he confessed that to Kirsten, she and Sandy made sure he was alone even less. When they were with him, Marissa wasn't and he could almost really be normal again. But Marissa showed up at Woodland everyday, and slowly she grew stronger there, even though Ryan tried to do what he needed to do to make her go away. She was quiet at first, but she started talking again after a while, alternating between comdemning him for letting her die and begging him to change his mind and come with her instead of shoving her away.
Ryan pretended he didn't see Marissa, pretended he didn't hear her, because he hated how the meds made him feel and he wanted the doctors to let him stop taking them, since they didn't work anyway. Then came the day Marissa appeared at home while Ryan at dinner with Sandy and Kirsten and he felt sick and threw up and told Kirsten that Marissa was still there and now she was coming even when they were with him and it scared him.
For the next week, either Kirsten or Sandy slept in a chair in Ryan's room, right beside his bed, so they could be there if he needed them, and they didn't seem to care how uncomfortable the chair was, and they told him even more times a day that they loved him and he could do this and Marissa stopped showing up at home. She still showed up at Woodland and she yelled and screamed and raged and begged and pleaded with him, but he didn't respond to her and instead admitted in therapy, both alone and in group, that he was seeing and hearing her but he wasn't listening to what she was saying.
She stopped after a while, and went back to either glaring or sending him pleading looks, and sometimes he wanted to hold his hand out to her and tell her he changed his mind, but he refused to do it because by then he knew what she was. Not really Marissa, no matter how much she seemed like the real Marissa, she was a sign of his illness. Marissa was like the darkness that he'd sunk into before, and it was trying to pull him back. But as he fought to stay afloat, the darkness, Marissa, got weaker and couldn't do as much to pull on him.
Most days now, Ryan felt like he was floating on the surface, with only the slightest downward tug pulling, no worse than the tug of gravity when swimming in the ocean. Every so often there was a bad day where he could feel the darkness pulling, and the weights being piled on, but he learned to admit those bad days were happening and just admitting it lifted some of the weight.
He didn't need Sandy and Kirsten's constant presence as much, and started only going to Woodland a few days a week. By the time the summer approached again, he was down to 2 days, and he was spending time alone without seeing and hearing things and he felt alive again. The pain was still there, and he still had days where he felt the pull and he saw Marissa, but those days came few and far between now and he felt good.
He started thinking about college, though Berkeley was much too far away for him now, and one day while Sandy was at work and Kirsten was on a run to the store, Ryan made calls to schools closer by, and he requested information on courses. That night over dinner he told Kirsten and Sandy what he'd done, and explained that he wanted to try college now, but he wanted to keep living at home with them while he did, and they said they were proud of him and they'd help him look over the information when it arrived.
He applied to UCLA, much to Summer's delight, and anxiously waited to hear back from them. During that time, Marissa started appearing more, but he told Kirsten and Sandy whenever it was one of those days, and if they weren't home he'd call them and just talking to them would calm him enough to help him stay afloat, even if it was only barely at times.
Then one day a letter came from UCLA and Ryan opened it and went down to the beach and stood at the edge of the water in his jeans and wife beater, staring out at the ocean, and again Summer found him.
But this time it was different. When Summer said his name, he turned and smiled and told her to look in the pocket of his sweatshirt that rested safely out of reach of the water. And when she pulled out the folded letter and read and her face lit up excitedly. Then she was kicking off her shoes, and running to Ryan and tackling him into the water, both of them laughing and happy because things were finally looking up.
For the first time in almost two full years, even if it was just for a little while, the weight was gone and there was nothing pulling Ryan down into the darkness. There was only floating and a feeling of being surrounded by the light that had chased away the darkness.
And it felt good.
THE END
Notes:
In my head I have a pretty good idea of what happens next for Ryan, but I don't think I could write it in the same format as these 4 fics have been in. All of these, except for 'Numb', have covered larger periods of time in between 700 and 1500 words, but to give the next phase of Ryan's life the treatment it deserves, it would be a normal format fic, where each chapter covers a small piece of time. This doesn't mean I won't write the continuation, just that it'll be a regular format fic that'll be much longer than 4 chapters because it'll go into more detail of individual events.
If you'd like to see the sequel/continuation, let me know and I'll be quicker about writing it... lol... it'll most likely be written either way, but if I know people wanna read, I'll make sure to post it and keep writing. It may or may not end up with Ryan and Summer romantically involved, as opposed to just friends, I haven't decided for sure yet.
Hope everyone enjoyed this dark little fic...
