Rant time... I gotta vent...

I'm talking to a friend and on the verge of tears because I can't make her understand.

I love writing. My dream is to be a professional writer. And I see no point of writing if no one ever sees it so I show my stories to my friends. Most of them are good about it, jsut general comments about wanting more of the fic. Not this friend. I have a story that I lvoed the premise of: Liz never came to PC, but met and married Ric in Denver. Now Lucky and Liz meet in NYC and begin an affair. I was loving it. Then this friend fell in love with a side couple. And now every night she demands a snippet of them. I loved the side couple at first. Not I just want them both to die so I don't HAVE to write them.

She's threatened not to read this other story of mine if I don't keep writing HER couple. Damn it, they are characters in a fic of MINE. They aren't HERS in any way shape or form. It's dman blackmail. I adored the story, now I have no desire to write it at all.

When I'm pushed to write something, I feel pressured to make sure it's good. And when people demand more everyday I can't keep up and my writing suffers. My writing suffers and my self esteem suffers.

I owe fics to Bri and Becca in exchange for originally offering me tp.net, but they haven't demanded them (I promise though, I'm gonna write more 'With You' soon). I owe MANY back episode of SeaQuest:Horizons to the fans of it. But they aren't harassing me about it.

At the moment, I jsut want to cry and throw things and put up my keyboard and just never write again, which i hate. I wanted to write some of this latest original idea of mine. One that for ocne I'm determiend will remain mine. No one else will tell me what i HAVE to do with it. Suggestiosn i don't mind, but demands I';ll ignore. That's part of why HF and MOT are on hiatus now. HF because of demands (From thsi same friend) about what should happen (Aaron and Jenny have to get together! Drew can't be a bad guy!), and MOT because it's linked to HF.

I'm miserable. I'm stressed. And I feel worthless because I'm tryign to please people and I can't seem to be good enough ro write fast enough. I know makign myself happy with my writing is most important, but I LIKE getting feedback from others about it. I LIKE it when people enjoy my work. I jsut hate it when they expect me to write MY stories the way THEY want. If they want somethign different, they can write it. Do a damn spin-off form mys tory if I want, I don't give a damn. Just stop telling me how I should write MY stories.

The worst part is this friend is basically my best friend and I think I've pissed her off by trying to explain this to her.

I just feel like crap and like a total bitch for standing up for myself. And that's not right.

Later.

About Last Night... More rational than last nights, I promise!

I was feeling really low and messed up when I made my last entry. I'd had a great day, then it crashed to a low with the arguement. And the friend's status had gone to 'away' and she hadn't responded to the last thing I'd said, so I was really... freaking out.

Still haven't talked to her today, so I don't know what the standing is at the moment. Is she pissed at me for blurting out that I'm tired of being told how I have to write my stories? Did she disappear for some other reason and I just finbally went to bed before she got back? I have no idea at all. Hopefully she'll get on today so we can try to talk this out.

Sorry for the drama, folks, but if I tried to bottle it up it would have just gotten worse until I totally snapped and possibly really did quit writing, which is the last thing I want.

There was one plus that happened last night. After my freaking out. And after my posting. I went to chekc my Yahoo Mail and find an e-mail from the archivist for my favorite Enterprise Fanfic archive, the Warp 5 Archive at EntCommunity. She was asking if she could archive my Trip/Hoshi fanfics on Warp5. It made me feela lot better to read that e-mail, so I was able to fall asleep instead of spending all night tossing and turning because I was upset.

I'm still upset, still worried I'm going to or already have lost a friend, but I'm much calmer now then I was last night. I think what made it the worst is it's like a month short of the 1 year anniversary of the last time I had a big fight with a friend over something that, in the grand scheme of things, is stupid.

Maybe later I'll have a more cheerful and happy entry to post. I hope so.

Later.